You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
