On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
