I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
