Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
