So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
