I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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