What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
