I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I smell like Dick and happiness
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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