Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
