my mouth tastes like poor choices
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I could fuck to npr.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
