ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
