Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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