If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
