We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
