why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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