and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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