it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you mean i was at the winter classic?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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