I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
