I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
