You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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