Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
No subtext here. People are naked.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
