I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
