Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
