just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
