i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
