I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
