At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
