I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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