dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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