I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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