Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
