I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
They have beer where we have blood.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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