did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
