shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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