is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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