Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
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I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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