if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He did a backflip because drugs
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
