So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
