Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Is it because I queefed?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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