Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
