I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
