WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
