My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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