his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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