Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
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He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
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22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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