I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
