Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
