Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
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He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
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Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
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