I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
