god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
