Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
