Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
