I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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