It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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