he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
